Keeping Safe on the Mean Streets of Beacon Hill
The Fox25 anchors flipped their desks over with excitement when the story broke around 10 last night: a meth lab, downtown, in Beacon Hill, right behind the State House? Right down the street from their Beacon Hill Studios!?
Sadly, it wasn’t to be.
The ravaging muckrakers would have to settle for a Level 2 HAZMAT situation. Disappointed, too, no doubt, was an army of developers and would-be homebuyers looking to sweep in and pick off properties now that the massively-overhyped meth epidemic took hold. After all, Dot residents warned us long ago it would happen to us.
But really, isn’t the idea of a mad chemist more disturbing than a simple drug lab? Beacon Hill is crawling with well-educated, expensive minds with all sorts of destructive knowledge. Those who can’t cook exotic toxins or build nuclear weapons could certainly bury you in torts, claim denials, and hostile takeovers.
So forget the ongoing flap in JP/Mission Hill/Roxbury—Beacon Hill is the most dangerous neighborhood in town. Here’s a list of “safer” properties, just in case this disturbing trend continues:
19 Joy St #A
Beacon Hill, MA 02114
2 Beds, 1.5 Bath
1,345 sq. ft.
$699,000
You might be thinking “hmm, seems a little close to last night’s chaos”; and it is. But chemicals tend to roll downhill, and winds prevail from the West, meaning that this place would put you first on the scene without any of the danger.
6 Goodwin Pl #B
Beacon Hill, MA 02114
0 Beds, 1 Bath
235 sq. ft.
$185,000
Want to keep people from messing with you? Buy the smallest, cheapest property in the neighborhood. They’ll think “This guy’s got nothing to lose” and step aside when you walk down the street. Plus, the basement location is useful for natural disasters, such as tornadoes, as well any explosions that might occur nearby.
145 Pinckney St #432
Beacon Hill, MA 02114
1 Beds, 1 Bath
625 sq. ft.
$429,000
First to know, first to go. When disaster strikes, you’re on Storrow, then 93 North in seconds. Or, if the roads are already clogged, be the first to the North Station ticket window to reserve a seat on the Downeaster. And if things have really gone wrong, you can sprint to the river, steal a boat and sail to Mexico.
