Monday Madness

Santa House back on Market?

santahouse.jpgLemon Grove CA, A small bungalow is coming back on the market after less than three years. It’s a familiar story these days. A gentleman named Saint Nicholas, apparently a bishop from Asia Minor, bought the home as a summer retreat in 2005. He qualified for a very low interest rate and was thrilled with the purchase. However, his English is not too good and it seems he didn’t fully understand the terms of the financing. His interest rate is currently 3 times what it was and he is unable to sustain such payments.

There are some complications in this foreclosure. The debt is currently held by the Old Nick Omnihold (ONO) investment group; well known for taking a hard line with defaulters. While a surprising number of friends and neighbors of Mr. Nicholas have spoken in his defense and pleaded with ONO for leniency, the firm wouldn’t budge. Senior partner Old Nick (not to be confused with Saint Nick as the borrower is sometimes known) himself said “This is a particularly egregious default by an educated man who deliberately tried to cheat our fine investors.”

However, the friends and neighbors seem to think that Mr. Nicholas is something of a saint and deserves better treatment. They suggest that he is a hard working man who does much for humanity. There is little evidence to support the argument. Sources say that he sits around, basking in Lemon Grove’s famous Best Climate on Earth almost all year until the Winter holidays when he seems to take a vacation. “Vacation from what?” some say. Sources say that Mr. Nicholas has no visible means of support.

There is much speculation about the man. For one; he has many aliases: Saint Nick, Santa Claus, Nicholas of Myra, Agios Nikolaos, Sancte Claus, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas and ‘patron saint of children’. If this isn’t suspicious enough, the Asia Minor address he put on his mortgage documents was destroyed by rebel hordes 1,200 years ago. He sometimes refers to an obviously fictitious address at the North Pole. In an interview he has said “All I want is a quiet place in a comfortable climate where I can get away from the elves.” It is not clear whether his mental health is good. He appears to be quite old and obese.


The situation came to a head just yesterday when ONO threatened to call the Sheriff to remove Santa from his cottage. A massive uprising from the community, including a surprising number of children stormed the offices of ONO in protest. For the first time in financial history, ONO backed down just a bit. They offered to split the difference between the original teaser rate of the loan and the current extremely high rate. The crowd cheered and citizens lined up to pledge a contribution to help Father Christmas keep his summer home. Asked for comment, Santa would only say; Ho, ho, ho!