Realtor Speak, Made Easy

Many of us who have attempted to buy a home know that realtors often have a secret language, one they all seem to know because they keep evoking the same phrases that don’t actually mean what you expect the phrases to mean.

Even if we have simply attended a lackluster open house based on an enticingly written advertisement, we are aware that the gloss of realtor-ese can be a bit deceptive. For all of us first-time-buyers-to-be, then, I offer a handy translation of terms you’re likely to hear and understand incorrectly. This guide might save you time, money, and certainly, much by way of hand wringing, hair pulling, and swearing.

KEY: Term=translation
1. Cozy= closet like
2. Jr. one bedroom= a studio with an extra wall or two thrown in
3. Contractor’s special= wear your hard hat and full body armor when viewing
4. Fixer-upper= figure in several thousands above the price to make home livable
5. Designer colors= cross your fingers the “designer” has the same taste as you
6. Great opportunity for a first time buyer= expect to be under whelmed
7. As is= better get you own inspector before you sign the dotted line
8. Price reduced= rare occasion when power has shifted to buyer. Rejoice!
9. Up and coming neighborhood= bring your attack dog/mace
10. Quirky= multiple low budget remodels resulting in nonsensical and/or chaotic
layout and design
11. One owner, faithful to the original design= wiring and plumbing circa 1895
12. Working with our brokers, you’ll be surprised to find you can afford the house of
your dreams= we don’t really care much that your payments will require that you
cease and desist all forms of entertainment and cut your meals back to one a week
13. Street parking only, but reasonable in this area= consider that in SF, there is at
best one space for every 20 cars, it would be very reasonable indeed that you would
never, ever, find parking on your street
14. Better hurry! Won’t last!= We want to sell this fast, but haven’t been able to. Thus,
we will attempt to pressure you into a hasty decision through our thinly veiled
reverse psychology!
15. Potential to expand= not going to be easy. Permits, antagonistic neighbors,
regulations, prohibitive CC and R issues aplenty.
16. Possible potential to expand: you will be allowed to expand only in an alternate
universe